A Brave New World and...Stuff

      So, my first inclination was to start this post with an apology or a self-deprecating statement because I haven't posted in almost a week. But, really, who am I accountable to? Just me. I am grateful for any who read this, and I hope that my words help you in some way, but I cannot and will not add any unnecessary pressure to my life.And if I think about this blogging adventure I have embarked upon, I'm the only one who ever set any expectations around it. No more. I will post when I need to work something out. I will document my journey so, that one day, my children may read it and understand their mama a little better. I will continue to use this outlet to read, read, read (so many new and wonderful posts from many of my favorite blogs) and write when I might have something to really say. Or not, I might just ramble and process, and that's okay too. Phew, setting some self-boundaries, this shit is hard! But kinda cool, ya know?!

       I'm working hard to bring in day 30. Six teeny tiny days to go. I'm focusing less and less on the facts that I'm an alcoholic and can't drink. I'm starting to focus more on the things I want to change and the way I want to live my life going forward. In spite of myself, AA is part of that forward motion. Maybe that's why I haven't written as much. I've hit a meeting a day, on a couple of days, I hit two. I am checking out the Big Book and the Steps and haven't decided yet if I want to work those things into my sobriety path. I do know, though, that I need to be around the people in those rooms. They are like me. They get me. They accept me. I learn from them. I laugh with them. I need to learn and laugh.

      I am still struggling to find my routine. My sober-life ritual. My sober self. Hell, the ridiculousness of that thought- of course I am still struggling. It's. Been. 24. Days. Patience. Kindness. Acceptance. Serenity. Relationship with self. These are my goals.

       I have a client, with whom I have been working with for several months. I really like her. She is so self-aware and really quite emotionally healthy. She has some blockages that we are working through. Blockages that are not the same as mine ( that would be unethical), but the solutions are the same. As she is growing and realizing and identifying, I can't help but wonder why I can't just therapize myself and be just as okay. I can over-analyze myself right out of my own answers, but yet help clients walk straight into theirs. The solution is so stinkin simple. The solution to finding my best me is already somewhere inside of me. Change is a choice. Change is a journey. Change is scary and challenging and rewarding and exciting all at once.

        It's confusing, getting to know oneself at 35. I still have years and years of old tapes are often on "autoplay". I know how to press "pause" today, even if just for a moment. I am working everyday to record new tapes. I will hopefully learn how to press "stop". I am on emotion and thinking overload and even in meetings, it is difficult to pull all of my million sober thoughts into some intelligible form. I think this is encouraging. I could get upset and full of shame that processing newer, healthier thoughts is so difficult right now, because I spent so much active drinking time under toxic thought. Instead, I choose to feel encouraged. The fact that I am a disjointed mess means I am really starting to dig. I am starting to feel. I am starting to allow myself to open up to the possibility that I am going to be okay and rock this sobriety thing, even when it sucks (and I have had some sucky days). That, to me, is courage. That is a bravery I don't think I've experienced my entire adult life. It's a brave new world, indeed, and I am happy to ramble and stumble my way around.

Thanks for stickin through and getting to the end of this one. I hope there was at least one nugget that you took away.
xxoo
       

Gratitude Wednesday

Going forward, I'd like to dedicate Wednesdays to Gratitude and Saturdays to Things I've Learned. I'd love to hear from others (all the time) but particularly on these days. Join in! It'd be such an honor to share in your moments of gratefulness and learn from your own gained knowledge each week.

So, without further ado,  here goes the first Gratitude Wednesday of many.............

• I am thankful that I drove at 11 o'clock at night completely sober and coming from a meeting, not a bar or liquor store tonight. As a result, I have also confirmed my need for glasses during night driving ( never knew if it was the booze or my eyesight making it hard to see)
• I am grateful for AA
• I give thanks to this Recovery Blogging community I have found
• Happy to say that I stayed home from work today and actually worked from home honestly and not half-assedly. Happy I stayed home truly because my sitter was ill and not because I was hungover. Grateful for my desire to live honestly.
• My mid-month bills are already paid and my house is still clean from Saturday cleaning day- this is miraculous and I am beyond thankful
• My friends rock. My family rocks harder. Grateful
• 18 days, 18 days, 18 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• My husband who is taking on a whole lot of tasks over the next two days off. By doing so, he is helping me learn to let go of some control. (that's another post entirely and one of my many vices I need to recover from) Thanks babe!
• Finally, because its late and I am jeopardizing feeling joyful in the morning the later it gets, I am appreciative of my willingness to grow, be uncomfortable, learn, and be patient; all of which would not be possible without the support system and people within it that I am building. You all included, so thank YOU!

Goodnight. Be well, cheers!

1....2....3....Shuffle

      Sighhhhhhhh. It feels so peaceful sitting here with my green tea and laptop. It's a quiet house with all three littles asleep and hubby at work. I have missed this, the last few nights. There is something about the stillness of the house that I really have learned to embrace in this short, but long, 17 days. It's strange, this new love of still and serene; quiet and still was typically when my head grew loud and the wine got poured. I am beginning to see that the vino and vodka just made everything louder.

I would drink more in a miserable attempt to mute the deafening cluster of thoughts that would keep coming. Finally, I would pass out.

    If I'm being honest, I haven't really embraced pure silence. I still must have the sound of my thoughts spilling onto the pages of this blog. The flow of feelings written into my journal is just audible enough to keep me company. Other nights, I need the murmurings of mindless TV or the steady voices of a podcast to make an otherwise soundless house feel safe enough to sleep in. Safe from my own thought patterns and tendencies. Safe from  liquid aid to drown out all of my fears, regrets, and worries. I will learn how to be still with my own thoughts amidst silence. I am inching towards that place each sober day, every abstinent hour, every courageous minute.

    My what dances we dance with ourselves, eh? As an active drinker, I would dance what I thought was a sexy mambo. A game of hard-to-get; a catch-me-if-you-can. Since deciding to change my life by being sober, I have been trying to waltz. Slowly, gracefully, intentfully. I glided beautifully along for the better part of two weeks. It is in the last few days that I have begun to do a shuffle.

   As you (may or may not) know, I started checking out AA last week. I am still doing so. I am taking what I want and leaving what I don't. I am building a network of support. I am sketching out what my path to recovery looks like and designing how I want to construct my own sobriety. Blogs, podcasts, books, and AA are aiding in these endeavors. I continue to learn the more receptive I am to listening (or reading).

     As I have been sitting in the rooms of AA, I am beginning to consider the steps and what they mean to me; how I might work them in my own way, in my own time, in a manner which makes sense to me. I thought I had steps 1-3 down. You know, the steps about admitting we were powerless over alcohol, finding and believing in a higher power (HP), and handing our will to drink over to that  HP? Easy shit, right? I thought I'd master this sobriety thing much like I excel at most things I attempt (humble much, Jill?!). It dawned on me today, I haven't even really accepted I am an alcoholic. Let the 1,2,3 Shuffle commence!

        Wow, I'm realizing how long this post may be. That's what happens after three solid days of not getting it all out. I'm gonna keep going, even if you don't keep reading :)

    Rationally, logistically, intellectually, I know I am incapable of drinking like a normal person. I know that it has been but a few rare occasions that I have been able to have just one drink, regardless of how long in between drinking episodes I can manage to go. This is hard and cold fact as evidenced by countless examples of being much drunker than I intended to be. I know my life, at times, has been unmanageable. This is evidenced by arguments with my husband, hangover days which were taken as vacation or sick days, car accidents, DUI, children seeing their mother passed out on the couch in the morning from the night before, missed bill deadlines, avoidance of social obligations....need I go on? You get the picture.
  
       It seems reasonable, then, that if I were to commit myself to working the steps of AA, that it would be easy to race past the first one with ease. Powerless and unmanageable. But I'm not powerless, I cry. My life is not unmanageable, I declare. If i were powerless, I would be drinking right now. If my life were unmanageable then how do I have such a great family, career, friends, material things? If I can go a whole 17 days without a drink, surely one glass of wine, or one shooter of vodka, will be just enough to calm the nerves. NO. NO. NO. "Been there, done that," I rebut. I am powerless over alcohol once I take the first sip. My life is unmanageable when I am drunk or hungover, regardless of whether I was still looking good on the outside and maintaining "high functionality". Repeat after me as many times as I need to believe what I say: I am an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink normally. I do not want alcohol to be a part of my life. I am an ........... On to Step Two, and the dance continues.

         Do I believe in God? In the universe? In a higher power? In the Big Bang? Evolution? Self-actualization? Psychology and Biology? Astrology and Spirituality? Monotheism? Polytheism? Willpower? Self-determination? AA and Blogging? Cognitive-behavioral, emotionally focused, and solutions focused therapy? Yes. I believe in all of it. Do I believe just one of them has to be my higher power? No. Then why do I get stuck at this point? Why do I revert back to questioning the severity of my problem? 1, 2.....shuffle.  Maybe, this is enough; believing in all of these things is enough. Maybe understanding a higher power, as I understand it, is accepting that I CANNOT DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF. Even if all I did was write, I am using a tool and therefore, I am not acting on willpower alone. Maybe, my higher power is a desire to be the best version of me.

        So who then, do I turn my will over to? At what point do I say my life is in the hands of ___________ ( insert a higher power here)? Maybe I am turning it over to a new way of doing things. Maybe, washing my face, taking off my bra, spending quiet time with me before bed every night instead of drinking and passing out is turning over my will and life. I am changing. I am growing. I am regressing. I am coping. I am baffled. I have no answers except that I. Am. Still. Sober. In so many ways, my life has changed incredibly in less than 3 weeks. It is not perfect. I hope it never is. It is my life and I am me. I am clumsy, so there will always be flaws and mistakes and surprises. But, if every day, I strive to face myself and my life willing to learn new steps, new moves, and learn from a variety of instructors, then I know I will become a much better dancer.

Thanks for listening. This felt disjointed. I am grateful, though for the opportunity to get it out, process it, and slowly feel more pieced together. I am also grateful to continue reading many of your writings and to hopefully help you as you read mine.

Strange Things Happenin'

  

      I've mostly been feeling really content. Which is weird. This whole sobriety thing is, well, strange. It isn't easy. It isn't difficult. It's just plain old peculiar. I thought, on multiple occasions today, how I feel like I'm constantly looking forward to something. Like I know there is a surprise waiting for me. It's vague and not entirely definable, but something is lurking in the future and I am waking every morning eager to go find it.

     I've also been feeling as if thinking about NOT drinking has been an ever-present and active thought. But not in the way it sounds. I'm not struggling not to drink; I'm constantly reminding myself of my sobriety and thinking about how I'm not drinking anymore. Completely and utterly foreign.

      I'm sure there is a name for what I am feeling. I am sure this is part of the sobriety honeymoon. I still feel cautiously optimistic and prepared to fight. But, for now, I am kinda digging this happy and peaceful life I am creating. It's a bit crazy, I suppose, to refer to 11 (Woot!Woot!) days as a "life", but I am creating new norms for myself, and my family, every day. Odd and pinch-me-who-am-I kind of norms, but new norms, nonetheless.

      I am in an active state of transformation. Just the fact that I am actively living my life is an unfamiliar sort of thing in the first place. For example, I am getting up most mornings, tired or not, and facing my day with joy  (this morning excluded, but I snapped the hell out of the funky mood I was in soon enough). Mornings around here are, dare I say, calm and full of quality time. The boys and I aren't stressed for time, no one is yelling at anyone, I have my coffee, I take my time to actually get ready beyond just shower and throwing on clothes, we are having breakfast together, we are walking out the door on time, and we are happy doing it all. I've been eating well. I've been taking vitamins and drinking lots of water. I am feeling pretty and put together. I am so damned productive at work and feeling like I have my shit together. My job as a helping professional is so rewarding when I am actually feeling like I'm helping people. I'll be damned, imagine that! Mishaps occur and I am taking them in stride. At night, I am, wait for it.......washing my face, taking my bra off, fixing my bed, picking out tomorrow's clothes, and setting my alarm. Who's the big girl now, eh? I have made time every.single.day. for ME! This is weird shit.

       I'm not cured. Haha, as if a cure exists. Alcohol is still very much a part of my life even if I'm not consuming it. It defined me for so long that every day, I am ever so slowly inching its grip off of me. At 35 years old, I am learning how to enjoy, not superficially but down-to-my-soul enjoy, my life. I am jealous of normal people who figured this stuff out many years before me. I sometimes feel bitter and angry at myself for not figuring things out sooner, but better late than never, right?!

         With every sober 24 hours, or every close-call, I am building up the parts of me that drinking kept forever smashed down. I feel like I am dating myself and slowly starting to acquire feelings for my date. My household is running smoother;my family is calmer and happier. Things are flowing, even when they're not, I hope that makes sense. I've had white-knuckle moments and a lot of self-deprecation, but my inner protector is putting up a helluva fight against my inner bully, and most days, I feel like she is actually starting to gain the upper hand.

         I listened to a really fantastic Bubble Hour podcast last night on what it means to be a high-functioning alcoholic in recovery. I think a lot of me feeling so put-together lately has a lot to do with my innate personality and many of the same traits that led me to drink in the first place. Ironic, baffling, and unexplainable. I have a whole huge set of thoughts about what I've learned about being a high-functioning drunk. Those thoughts are jotted down and not quite processed yet, but I look forward to getting them out in a post soon. Anyway, I am starting to ramble. I am so grateful. I think I will make Gratitude Wednesdays a "thing" for this blog going forward. Shit, rambling again.

        I am grateful for having open eyes, a clear mind, and a full heart. I am grateful for my unquenchable thirst for growth, discovery, and knowledge. I am thankful for losing 8lbs in 11 days, feeling pretty, and feeling rested. I am thankful for the rate at which I am learning more about myself and how to live in recovery. I am really really really grateful for all these new and strange things happening around me.

What weird things happened for you in your early recovery? What new foreign habits were the most gratifying?

Because it's Different.....

       I don't know how. I can't explain it. It's just different, this time. I feel present. I feel tired of testing the waters of sobriety for 4-10 days only to dive right back into the deep end of old drinking patterns. Six tiny, but so profound, days ago, I woke up, only slightly hung over, and realized I'm too old for this shit. I'm functioning on the outside, but inside, I'm dying. I'm missing out on so much. I'm cheating myself (and my family) out of so much love. It's time to figure out who I am without the vodka and vino. It's time to find the best me.

   So, here I am on Day Six. I have been here before, on this sixth day. But not with this resolve. Not with a true desire to change. It's raw, it's scary, it's pretty fucking empowering. I even told the hubby. That in of itself is a big deal.

   And I told him in a really scared and teary, almost teenage girl confessing a sin to her parents, kind of way. I told him why it was different (Because it is). I told him that the time and energy I had been spending on my every-other-day binges (days off were wasted hangover days full of junk food, crappy TV, and if I was lucky, half-assing my way through a workday) were making me tired and self-resenting. I fessed up to (like he didn't already know) the extent of my drinking. How I would buy just four little raspberry vodka shooters and tell myself that's all I would have. Inevitably, I disclosed, I'd buy a *couple more and of course, a bottle of Red, to get me through the night. I even told him how I would calculate how much I could drink before getting home before I think he'd notice, keep the rest in my car, and bring it in only after he'd leave for his overnight shift. I'm ready, I told him. I didn't want to tell him, because we've sort of been here before. But I had to if this was going to stick. His only response? "I've been waiting for this for a long time." And with that, he confirmed that he too, knew because it's different.

   I didn't tell him that some days, I would buy those little shooters at 11am ( never 10 because, only drunks do that), smack dab in the middle of my work day. But mostly, how I would get four as soon as I left my agency, drink two before private clients, ya know, because somehow, two would make me more open and creative and smart, and then two more in between clients or on the way home. And I didn't feel the need to tell him how that would be just my appetizer and four more and a bottle would be just what I needed to pass out at night. Or how I have hiding spots for the miniatures all over the house, or in my car, or how anytime I'd be driving and see a police car, I'd do a mental check of how many empty minis were floating around in my car and were they out of sight in case I got pulled over. Nope, I didn't tell him those things. A) Because I'm barely starting to get those memories in clear sight and mind and B) because he's not stupid. He knows.

  So, here I am on Day Six. I have a lot to say about these last six days. A lot of notes jotted down. A lot of clarity and hope and confidence. Perhaps I'll blog them all today and start my one-a-day post tomorrow. I have no demands of myself today as far as getting these thoughts out in any sort of schedule or order.

 Today, I came clean to my husband and myself. Today, I played with my middle and little. I am present today. I meditated and prayed. Today, I am looking forward to seeing two clients and NOT stopping at the liquor store on the way. Will I need to white-knuckle it an hour from now as I pass the all-too-familiar-know-me-by-name shop on the corner from my office? Maybe. But I know I won't stop. Not today. Because, it's different. I like being different and I can't wait to keep discovering how different I can be.