Because it's Different.....

       I don't know how. I can't explain it. It's just different, this time. I feel present. I feel tired of testing the waters of sobriety for 4-10 days only to dive right back into the deep end of old drinking patterns. Six tiny, but so profound, days ago, I woke up, only slightly hung over, and realized I'm too old for this shit. I'm functioning on the outside, but inside, I'm dying. I'm missing out on so much. I'm cheating myself (and my family) out of so much love. It's time to figure out who I am without the vodka and vino. It's time to find the best me.

   So, here I am on Day Six. I have been here before, on this sixth day. But not with this resolve. Not with a true desire to change. It's raw, it's scary, it's pretty fucking empowering. I even told the hubby. That in of itself is a big deal.

   And I told him in a really scared and teary, almost teenage girl confessing a sin to her parents, kind of way. I told him why it was different (Because it is). I told him that the time and energy I had been spending on my every-other-day binges (days off were wasted hangover days full of junk food, crappy TV, and if I was lucky, half-assing my way through a workday) were making me tired and self-resenting. I fessed up to (like he didn't already know) the extent of my drinking. How I would buy just four little raspberry vodka shooters and tell myself that's all I would have. Inevitably, I disclosed, I'd buy a *couple more and of course, a bottle of Red, to get me through the night. I even told him how I would calculate how much I could drink before getting home before I think he'd notice, keep the rest in my car, and bring it in only after he'd leave for his overnight shift. I'm ready, I told him. I didn't want to tell him, because we've sort of been here before. But I had to if this was going to stick. His only response? "I've been waiting for this for a long time." And with that, he confirmed that he too, knew because it's different.

   I didn't tell him that some days, I would buy those little shooters at 11am ( never 10 because, only drunks do that), smack dab in the middle of my work day. But mostly, how I would get four as soon as I left my agency, drink two before private clients, ya know, because somehow, two would make me more open and creative and smart, and then two more in between clients or on the way home. And I didn't feel the need to tell him how that would be just my appetizer and four more and a bottle would be just what I needed to pass out at night. Or how I have hiding spots for the miniatures all over the house, or in my car, or how anytime I'd be driving and see a police car, I'd do a mental check of how many empty minis were floating around in my car and were they out of sight in case I got pulled over. Nope, I didn't tell him those things. A) Because I'm barely starting to get those memories in clear sight and mind and B) because he's not stupid. He knows.

  So, here I am on Day Six. I have a lot to say about these last six days. A lot of notes jotted down. A lot of clarity and hope and confidence. Perhaps I'll blog them all today and start my one-a-day post tomorrow. I have no demands of myself today as far as getting these thoughts out in any sort of schedule or order.

 Today, I came clean to my husband and myself. Today, I played with my middle and little. I am present today. I meditated and prayed. Today, I am looking forward to seeing two clients and NOT stopping at the liquor store on the way. Will I need to white-knuckle it an hour from now as I pass the all-too-familiar-know-me-by-name shop on the corner from my office? Maybe. But I know I won't stop. Not today. Because, it's different. I like being different and I can't wait to keep discovering how different I can be.