Girl's Nights, Firepits, and Coffee. Oh My!

     

         Two nights ago, my 4th sober day, I was faced with hosting a girls' night that I had planned prior to "the decision", People pleaser that I am, coupled with immense guilt from ignoring my friendships, I did not cancel and spent the entire day bracing myself for the torment I was sure the night would bring. I stayed busy all day. Mostly crying in my bathroom, out of earshot of my littles, but busy, nonetheless. Then, something kinda cool happened- courage. I wiped my eyes, strapped on my big girl boots, and sent a mass text announcing, casually, that it was BYOB and I would not be drinking.

        Moments of cellular silence passed and during the few seconds, which felt like hours, I imagined in horror what my friends must all be thinking. Me? NOT drinking? Is she sick? Is she broke? Is she on some silly diet again? Is she taking ANOTHER break? Or, my biggest fear, 'yeah, ok. She'll be buzzed by the time we get there, and then make a wine run'. Instead, all but one responded that they also had no intention of drinking that evening and were in the mood for a laid back night of catching up, simply looking forward to seeing me. Wow.....and here I was worried that our friendships were based on the copious amounts of wine and vodka we inevitably consumed whenever we gathered.

          As the only drinking friend offered us all a Smirnoff ice (Ha! Like that would  quench my thirst had I partaken), I simply declined with no explanation. When met with a "Are you sure?", I blurted, completely unintentionally and in spite of myself, "Yep. I've decided I am an alcoholic and an going to really give this sobriety thing a fighting chance." Oh the horror! I said it out loud! Shit, shit, shit. It's real now, there's no going back. There is public accountability and credibility at stake now, shit!

           WHAT A RELIEF! How freaking awesome did that feel? How amazing are my friends, who, simply replied with Good-for-you's and I love you's. In that moment, I gained confidence. Until that point, I had never given a thought to the fact that I was genuinely loved. We had lots of giggles, lots of conversation, lots of gossip. I realized, drum roll........I am witty, fun, loving, and intelligent WITHOUT my old double V's. Wow, whoulda thunk! I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I had solved world peace. Yes, it was just the thing to catapult myself into a sobriety high.

            The high wont last forever. I am not naïve enough to think there will be no lows. I know myself well enough, as hopefully, you will too, to know that I will inevitably create lows just to gut-check and challenge my sober happy self (baffling, cunning). But for now, that night gave me the courage to tell my husband. It gave me the confidence to make it another 2 days. Hell, I even cleaned the house today and made s'mores over the firepit with the Middle and the Hubby tonight S.O.B.E.R. I will ride this high as long as I can. It feels foreign and new. It feels like a first kiss. I feel butterflies and giggly and warm. Of course, it could be the 2nd pot of coffee I just finished, but sssshhhhhhhh.......my sober self doesn't need to know that.