Lost in My Own Bathroom

           I am notorious for getting lost, misreading maps, asking for directions in terms of left and right vs. east and west. It's a long standing joke with both myself and all those who know me that I can get lost in my bathroom. Thank goodness for smart phones, GPS, and navigation systems which have made my directionally-challenged self much less anxious when driving in unfamiliar territory. This whole sobriety thing reminds me of the good ol' days when I couldn't rely on nifty technology to find my way around. I would learn one way to get somewhere, make note of landmarks, and go the same way every time.

           I am learning my way through a life without drinking. Turning left and finding AA, but questioning if that's the direction in which I am supposed to go. Turning right and wondering if I'm really an alcoholic and maybe just fell into a nasty habit (wow, the bullshit we tell ourselves!). I've decided to stay straight ahead and not worry about the destination as much as the journey. Holy cliché. Holy truth.

          Today, I was tasked with picking Middle up from practice while Hubby and Little ran errands. I knew exactly where he was and exactly how to get there from our house. The problem was I was coming from my office, after 2 morning clients. I popped in the address of the park and headed on my way. Somewhere along my drive, I got lost in my head (see? always lost!) and despite the navigation blaring through my Bluetooth, I missed my exit. I took the next one and turned off the navigation, determined to find my way. After all, I have lived here almost 12 years, surely I can figure this out. That sober tenacity was taking over and showing me the way! I found him with ease, 20 minutes early, and all was well.

         That small and insignificant missed-exit adventure invoked a lot of introspection and thought. As I was fumbling my way across familiar streets and headed in the direction of the park, I passed not one, not two, but three liquor stores I have been to. No big deal, right? It makes sense that a drinking person would have frequented a liquor store once or twice. These stores were nowhere near my house or either office. One I had ran to right before a big meeting at a different location one day. Another, I stopped at on my way to an event. The last one I found after driving aimlessly one day and too embarrassed to go to the one near my house since I'd been there twice already.

          My body shuddered as I recalled these liquor store visits. As I continued forward to pick up Middle, I then started thinking of the many different office locations I have had, the neighborhood in which I live, and the main routes of travel I take every day. I could tell you where the closest liquor stores are, which ones have the wine I like. Which ones don't have the Raspberry Smirnoff, but another flavored kind. Which ones require a purchase over $5 to use your debit or credit card and which ones close at 10, 11, and Midnight. Furthermore, I can tell you the succession of stores I would frequent on a weekend: MY store ( the closest one, the one with the drive-thru, the one that would have 4 minis and a bottle of red ready as soon as I pulled up) would be first because its convenient and just need 4 minis to help me clean the house. Then, those would run out and I'd go a bit down the street in either direction, and often rotate between the two stores,  for 2 more minis and vino. Finally, I'd go a good 12 minutes away late at night to the one that doesn't close until midnight so I could get just a couple more minis to close my mind and eyes for the night.

            For a girl who "gets lost in her own bathroom" I sure as hell never had any problem finding a liquor store and establishing a routine relationship with it. It is as this moment of recollection that I realize I have no choice but to keep straight on this sober path. Turning left into AA may not work for me, I'll save that adventure for another day, another blog. Turning right and believing that I am NOT an alcoholic means turning right into a familiar liquor store and this time, perhaps upping the order. I might get easily lost, but my time as a drinker has proven that I can find my way around anything if I truly want to. I know today that I am that important. My best me is ready to make an entrance and I am happy to keep driving straight to go pick her up.