1....2....3....Shuffle

      Sighhhhhhhh. It feels so peaceful sitting here with my green tea and laptop. It's a quiet house with all three littles asleep and hubby at work. I have missed this, the last few nights. There is something about the stillness of the house that I really have learned to embrace in this short, but long, 17 days. It's strange, this new love of still and serene; quiet and still was typically when my head grew loud and the wine got poured. I am beginning to see that the vino and vodka just made everything louder.

I would drink more in a miserable attempt to mute the deafening cluster of thoughts that would keep coming. Finally, I would pass out.

    If I'm being honest, I haven't really embraced pure silence. I still must have the sound of my thoughts spilling onto the pages of this blog. The flow of feelings written into my journal is just audible enough to keep me company. Other nights, I need the murmurings of mindless TV or the steady voices of a podcast to make an otherwise soundless house feel safe enough to sleep in. Safe from my own thought patterns and tendencies. Safe from  liquid aid to drown out all of my fears, regrets, and worries. I will learn how to be still with my own thoughts amidst silence. I am inching towards that place each sober day, every abstinent hour, every courageous minute.

    My what dances we dance with ourselves, eh? As an active drinker, I would dance what I thought was a sexy mambo. A game of hard-to-get; a catch-me-if-you-can. Since deciding to change my life by being sober, I have been trying to waltz. Slowly, gracefully, intentfully. I glided beautifully along for the better part of two weeks. It is in the last few days that I have begun to do a shuffle.

   As you (may or may not) know, I started checking out AA last week. I am still doing so. I am taking what I want and leaving what I don't. I am building a network of support. I am sketching out what my path to recovery looks like and designing how I want to construct my own sobriety. Blogs, podcasts, books, and AA are aiding in these endeavors. I continue to learn the more receptive I am to listening (or reading).

     As I have been sitting in the rooms of AA, I am beginning to consider the steps and what they mean to me; how I might work them in my own way, in my own time, in a manner which makes sense to me. I thought I had steps 1-3 down. You know, the steps about admitting we were powerless over alcohol, finding and believing in a higher power (HP), and handing our will to drink over to that  HP? Easy shit, right? I thought I'd master this sobriety thing much like I excel at most things I attempt (humble much, Jill?!). It dawned on me today, I haven't even really accepted I am an alcoholic. Let the 1,2,3 Shuffle commence!

        Wow, I'm realizing how long this post may be. That's what happens after three solid days of not getting it all out. I'm gonna keep going, even if you don't keep reading :)

    Rationally, logistically, intellectually, I know I am incapable of drinking like a normal person. I know that it has been but a few rare occasions that I have been able to have just one drink, regardless of how long in between drinking episodes I can manage to go. This is hard and cold fact as evidenced by countless examples of being much drunker than I intended to be. I know my life, at times, has been unmanageable. This is evidenced by arguments with my husband, hangover days which were taken as vacation or sick days, car accidents, DUI, children seeing their mother passed out on the couch in the morning from the night before, missed bill deadlines, avoidance of social obligations....need I go on? You get the picture.
  
       It seems reasonable, then, that if I were to commit myself to working the steps of AA, that it would be easy to race past the first one with ease. Powerless and unmanageable. But I'm not powerless, I cry. My life is not unmanageable, I declare. If i were powerless, I would be drinking right now. If my life were unmanageable then how do I have such a great family, career, friends, material things? If I can go a whole 17 days without a drink, surely one glass of wine, or one shooter of vodka, will be just enough to calm the nerves. NO. NO. NO. "Been there, done that," I rebut. I am powerless over alcohol once I take the first sip. My life is unmanageable when I am drunk or hungover, regardless of whether I was still looking good on the outside and maintaining "high functionality". Repeat after me as many times as I need to believe what I say: I am an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink normally. I do not want alcohol to be a part of my life. I am an ........... On to Step Two, and the dance continues.

         Do I believe in God? In the universe? In a higher power? In the Big Bang? Evolution? Self-actualization? Psychology and Biology? Astrology and Spirituality? Monotheism? Polytheism? Willpower? Self-determination? AA and Blogging? Cognitive-behavioral, emotionally focused, and solutions focused therapy? Yes. I believe in all of it. Do I believe just one of them has to be my higher power? No. Then why do I get stuck at this point? Why do I revert back to questioning the severity of my problem? 1, 2.....shuffle.  Maybe, this is enough; believing in all of these things is enough. Maybe understanding a higher power, as I understand it, is accepting that I CANNOT DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF. Even if all I did was write, I am using a tool and therefore, I am not acting on willpower alone. Maybe, my higher power is a desire to be the best version of me.

        So who then, do I turn my will over to? At what point do I say my life is in the hands of ___________ ( insert a higher power here)? Maybe I am turning it over to a new way of doing things. Maybe, washing my face, taking off my bra, spending quiet time with me before bed every night instead of drinking and passing out is turning over my will and life. I am changing. I am growing. I am regressing. I am coping. I am baffled. I have no answers except that I. Am. Still. Sober. In so many ways, my life has changed incredibly in less than 3 weeks. It is not perfect. I hope it never is. It is my life and I am me. I am clumsy, so there will always be flaws and mistakes and surprises. But, if every day, I strive to face myself and my life willing to learn new steps, new moves, and learn from a variety of instructors, then I know I will become a much better dancer.

Thanks for listening. This felt disjointed. I am grateful, though for the opportunity to get it out, process it, and slowly feel more pieced together. I am also grateful to continue reading many of your writings and to hopefully help you as you read mine.