Strange Things Happenin'

  

      I've mostly been feeling really content. Which is weird. This whole sobriety thing is, well, strange. It isn't easy. It isn't difficult. It's just plain old peculiar. I thought, on multiple occasions today, how I feel like I'm constantly looking forward to something. Like I know there is a surprise waiting for me. It's vague and not entirely definable, but something is lurking in the future and I am waking every morning eager to go find it.

     I've also been feeling as if thinking about NOT drinking has been an ever-present and active thought. But not in the way it sounds. I'm not struggling not to drink; I'm constantly reminding myself of my sobriety and thinking about how I'm not drinking anymore. Completely and utterly foreign.

      I'm sure there is a name for what I am feeling. I am sure this is part of the sobriety honeymoon. I still feel cautiously optimistic and prepared to fight. But, for now, I am kinda digging this happy and peaceful life I am creating. It's a bit crazy, I suppose, to refer to 11 (Woot!Woot!) days as a "life", but I am creating new norms for myself, and my family, every day. Odd and pinch-me-who-am-I kind of norms, but new norms, nonetheless.

      I am in an active state of transformation. Just the fact that I am actively living my life is an unfamiliar sort of thing in the first place. For example, I am getting up most mornings, tired or not, and facing my day with joy  (this morning excluded, but I snapped the hell out of the funky mood I was in soon enough). Mornings around here are, dare I say, calm and full of quality time. The boys and I aren't stressed for time, no one is yelling at anyone, I have my coffee, I take my time to actually get ready beyond just shower and throwing on clothes, we are having breakfast together, we are walking out the door on time, and we are happy doing it all. I've been eating well. I've been taking vitamins and drinking lots of water. I am feeling pretty and put together. I am so damned productive at work and feeling like I have my shit together. My job as a helping professional is so rewarding when I am actually feeling like I'm helping people. I'll be damned, imagine that! Mishaps occur and I am taking them in stride. At night, I am, wait for it.......washing my face, taking my bra off, fixing my bed, picking out tomorrow's clothes, and setting my alarm. Who's the big girl now, eh? I have made time every.single.day. for ME! This is weird shit.

       I'm not cured. Haha, as if a cure exists. Alcohol is still very much a part of my life even if I'm not consuming it. It defined me for so long that every day, I am ever so slowly inching its grip off of me. At 35 years old, I am learning how to enjoy, not superficially but down-to-my-soul enjoy, my life. I am jealous of normal people who figured this stuff out many years before me. I sometimes feel bitter and angry at myself for not figuring things out sooner, but better late than never, right?!

         With every sober 24 hours, or every close-call, I am building up the parts of me that drinking kept forever smashed down. I feel like I am dating myself and slowly starting to acquire feelings for my date. My household is running smoother;my family is calmer and happier. Things are flowing, even when they're not, I hope that makes sense. I've had white-knuckle moments and a lot of self-deprecation, but my inner protector is putting up a helluva fight against my inner bully, and most days, I feel like she is actually starting to gain the upper hand.

         I listened to a really fantastic Bubble Hour podcast last night on what it means to be a high-functioning alcoholic in recovery. I think a lot of me feeling so put-together lately has a lot to do with my innate personality and many of the same traits that led me to drink in the first place. Ironic, baffling, and unexplainable. I have a whole huge set of thoughts about what I've learned about being a high-functioning drunk. Those thoughts are jotted down and not quite processed yet, but I look forward to getting them out in a post soon. Anyway, I am starting to ramble. I am so grateful. I think I will make Gratitude Wednesdays a "thing" for this blog going forward. Shit, rambling again.

        I am grateful for having open eyes, a clear mind, and a full heart. I am grateful for my unquenchable thirst for growth, discovery, and knowledge. I am thankful for losing 8lbs in 11 days, feeling pretty, and feeling rested. I am thankful for the rate at which I am learning more about myself and how to live in recovery. I am really really really grateful for all these new and strange things happening around me.

What weird things happened for you in your early recovery? What new foreign habits were the most gratifying?