Quaking Aspen

 

          If you've ever been fortunate enough to see Aspens in the fall, you know what a spiritual experience this can be. Being on a mountain, looking in every direction for miles and seeing the bright yellows, and sometimes, reds, oranges, and of course greens is a truly humbling experience. I am blessed to live in an area where we are surrounded and it is part of our landscape. It is truly awesome, in every sense of the word and, if but for one moment, when you calmly take a breath and appreciate the beauty of it, you are at peace with yourself. Aspens, in my very humble opinion, are beautiful year round: when they are stark and bare in the winter, a florescent green in spring, a lively green in summer, and of course the golden autumn hue. 

         

         Aspens symbolize determination. They are symbolic of overcoming fear and doubt. They have also been linked to renewal and transformation. I love the symbolism of overcoming and determination. How can these small and frail trees, with their thin and quaking leaves, withstand harsh mountain winters? How can they, year after year,  come back even stronger and more beautiful? To an unknowing eye, seeing these delicate trees shaking and quaking in the fierce wind, one might bet on their impending doom. But these tall poplars are not as fragile as they seem. They are strong and they are many. In fact, it is rare, if not impossible, for a single Aspen to stand alone. They grow in root communities, each trunk linking roots to another and building more as a community. One of the greatest privileges in my life has been to stand in the middle of an Aspen grove, taking in their beauty, listening to the whispers of the quaking leaves in the wind, and pondering how old the trunk root systmes underneath my feet might be, and how mighty.

        I felt like a Quaking Aspen today. My journey through sobriety will likely be very much like the seasonal cycle of these brave trees. My day was harsh. I started the morning summer and lively green. By the afternoon, I was still feeling golden, but feeling the seasons change. By this evening, I was stark and bare. I am in a place of calm and determination, now, tonight, and feeling spring around the corner. 

        I attended three AA meetings in the last 36 hours. And it is something I will continue to do. I may not fully buy-in to the rigid prescription of it all, but I needed this AA outlet the last two days.  Not because I was white-knuckling or craving a drink, but because, like the Aspens, I too needed to attach my roots to a stronger grove of trunks. Because, this is the first time I have ever been sober. I have had many stints of abstinence. I have gone periods, here and there, where I have not drank. Those periods, however, were all vain attempts to control my drinking, or moderate, or prove to  myself (and whoever around me at the time had concerns) that I just enjoyed drinking and did not have  a problem controlling my habit. 

         Now, for the last 13 days, I have entered a state of true sobriety. It has been a long and meaningful almost-two-weeks. It has been emotional and lovely, all at once. I have been working very hard on creating new habits that promote self-care, honesty, and acceptance. I have a fight ahead of me. I need all the determination I can muster. I need multiple forms of support. As I face seasonal transformations, I need a grove of safety. AA, this Blog, other Recovery Bloggers, healthy habits, quiet and daily reflection time, my family, my friends, and myself- these support systems and tools are my Aspen Grove. I am going to shake and quake and lose my leaves, and change my colors, but as long as I keep my roots attached to what keeps me safe, I too will  grow tall and mighty and strong. As will you. I'd be honored if you joined my grove, as well.