A Brave New World and...Stuff

      So, my first inclination was to start this post with an apology or a self-deprecating statement because I haven't posted in almost a week. But, really, who am I accountable to? Just me. I am grateful for any who read this, and I hope that my words help you in some way, but I cannot and will not add any unnecessary pressure to my life.And if I think about this blogging adventure I have embarked upon, I'm the only one who ever set any expectations around it. No more. I will post when I need to work something out. I will document my journey so, that one day, my children may read it and understand their mama a little better. I will continue to use this outlet to read, read, read (so many new and wonderful posts from many of my favorite blogs) and write when I might have something to really say. Or not, I might just ramble and process, and that's okay too. Phew, setting some self-boundaries, this shit is hard! But kinda cool, ya know?!

       I'm working hard to bring in day 30. Six teeny tiny days to go. I'm focusing less and less on the facts that I'm an alcoholic and can't drink. I'm starting to focus more on the things I want to change and the way I want to live my life going forward. In spite of myself, AA is part of that forward motion. Maybe that's why I haven't written as much. I've hit a meeting a day, on a couple of days, I hit two. I am checking out the Big Book and the Steps and haven't decided yet if I want to work those things into my sobriety path. I do know, though, that I need to be around the people in those rooms. They are like me. They get me. They accept me. I learn from them. I laugh with them. I need to learn and laugh.

      I am still struggling to find my routine. My sober-life ritual. My sober self. Hell, the ridiculousness of that thought- of course I am still struggling. It's. Been. 24. Days. Patience. Kindness. Acceptance. Serenity. Relationship with self. These are my goals.

       I have a client, with whom I have been working with for several months. I really like her. She is so self-aware and really quite emotionally healthy. She has some blockages that we are working through. Blockages that are not the same as mine ( that would be unethical), but the solutions are the same. As she is growing and realizing and identifying, I can't help but wonder why I can't just therapize myself and be just as okay. I can over-analyze myself right out of my own answers, but yet help clients walk straight into theirs. The solution is so stinkin simple. The solution to finding my best me is already somewhere inside of me. Change is a choice. Change is a journey. Change is scary and challenging and rewarding and exciting all at once.

        It's confusing, getting to know oneself at 35. I still have years and years of old tapes are often on "autoplay". I know how to press "pause" today, even if just for a moment. I am working everyday to record new tapes. I will hopefully learn how to press "stop". I am on emotion and thinking overload and even in meetings, it is difficult to pull all of my million sober thoughts into some intelligible form. I think this is encouraging. I could get upset and full of shame that processing newer, healthier thoughts is so difficult right now, because I spent so much active drinking time under toxic thought. Instead, I choose to feel encouraged. The fact that I am a disjointed mess means I am really starting to dig. I am starting to feel. I am starting to allow myself to open up to the possibility that I am going to be okay and rock this sobriety thing, even when it sucks (and I have had some sucky days). That, to me, is courage. That is a bravery I don't think I've experienced my entire adult life. It's a brave new world, indeed, and I am happy to ramble and stumble my way around.

Thanks for stickin through and getting to the end of this one. I hope there was at least one nugget that you took away.
xxoo