Two-Week Tears

   So, last Monday, I had a pretty rough day. Tears threatened to fall pretty much the entire afternoon into the evening. I held them back and promised myself I'd feel it all and let them out once my work and family responsibilities had been met. I blogged that night, meditated, read, and tried really hard to allow those pent-up drops to fall. They didn't come.

    In fact, I haven't shed more than a tear or two in over two weeks. Floodgates opened up today. Had a really trying day as I juggled all the crazy must-do's and family of five scheduling issues. It's Saturday for fuck's sake and I did not stop from 7am-8:30pm.

   When Little, who has had minimal mommy attention today, spit water out on the freshly mopped floor, I lost it.  The tears came and would. not. stop. I lashed out at Hubby, who lashed back. And the tears  got worse. I was a crying mess for a good hour. I think I may have more left.

    My mommy voice feels guilty for losing it in front of my kids. My wifey voice feels both guilty for yelling back at Hubs, but also really hurt and pissed off.

    My therapist voice tells myself that I need this. That I ought to go to my room and cry myself dehydrated . It's cleansing. It's cathartic. It's healthy. 

    My alcoholic voice says to fuck it all and get some wine, not even a vodka kinda night, and just have a glass or two to relax.

   My sober self is trying desperately to turn all the voices off. I am torn between letting myself feel all of  it. and shutting these emotions off because they're too close, too deep, too out of control. I know I will not drink tonight. But I also know that my battle has commenced. 

   What a disservice I have done to myself every time I have numbed real feelings with a bottle. Now, I have to learn how to accept my feelings, ride them out,  and learn the lesson within. 

    I will learn these things. Slowly, carefully, smartly, and faithfully, I will embrace feeling., eventually. Tonight, though, a cup of tea, a hot shower, and a movie and cuddling with Middle is all I'm capable of.

   And dammit, that is O-fucking-Kay! Oh, and, I just hit two whole weeks, go me and stuff!

   Phew, that felt really good to get out! Happy Easter to you all and may you all have peace and serenity tonight.